Self-Recrimination

I did tasks for you 

That weren’t a part of my job description 

I washed your dirty dishes 

And related your messages 

Once I also gave you water like a waiter

Takes orders from his customers 

Then I was shocked later to realize

That I had let myself become your servant 

Who am I kidding? 

There was no emotional manipulation 

From you and your charming ways 

I did it all with my free will 

And that’s how 

I created my own insanity 

In the midst of your company 

I lost my true identity 

I conformed to some unnamed ideals 

And bowed easily 

I can’t cry and scream

Because I still let myself be 

All the things I hoped not to be

Why did I lose myself 

So easily? 
Did I ever know myself at all?

My free will 

Tells it’s own story 

I’m a people pleaser 

Too emotionally attached 

Too easily 

I thought of everyone as my family 

Without considering any boundaries 

Despite the fact we were all strangers 

I wanted others not by blood around me 

So I compromised and let myself have this

 community like it was a special commodity

But, I actually thought it was 

I had myself had 

Because there were problems aplenty 

Miscommunication and mistrust 

Bandwagons of people who 

Left others in the dust

Riding off in the hope of a sunrise

That I’m not too sure will ever come 

In the midst of all the dust 

I’m left standing wondering 

Did I ever know myself at all? 

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Accusation

And you twisted my good nature 

Into the means you needed

You created sympathy upon others

But lacked any emotional understanding 

You failed to realize that 

For all of us we have different priorities 

You used the power you had 

With the education you gained 

And stealthily crept 

Into the recesses of our lives 

You say you hate being called a ninja 

But your actions always spoke the truth 

While your words were all lies 

And you let us all compromise our identities 

While preached about being not accommodating 

The space was more lively

And bustling while you were around 

But your snake charmer ways 

We’re so hidden until you brought it all down 

And I cried so much these past few months 

For a community that I had wanted so much 

I cried for the self respect I had lost 

I cried for the gaslighting I had undergone 

I had never been so thoroughly 

Turned inside out 

Then I was humiliated with 

recriminations others brought to light 

Because hadn’t I allowed all that 

with my free will? 

I was struck dumb 

Until I realized they were right 

And I cried some more 

Because my mind wouldn’t stop 

Bullying me into submission 

For all of my faults 

Congratulations you were the reason why 

Everything went wrong 

And now I’m left standing 

All alone 

Wondering 

What do I do now?