Insecurities

At first they whispered

Low and close in my ear

And then they talked

Long strings of sentences

They made sense

They were all pretty and packaged up

I let them in

Until they were shouting and screaming

But my mind was too cluttered

To see that the unconscious was pushing

Forwards

forwards they marched

Until I only saw a tunnel of light

When I should have seen an open sky

Forwards forwards

Until I made excuses for myself

Until I lost my self

Until I began to push others away

In keeping up appearances

White lies began to spill

My soul began to rot

And now I am lost

Drifting in the sea again

Scrambling without purpose

No sight of land

Faster faster they come now

They don’t do any bidding

They stay and linger and fester

While I pretend I’m okay

Slowly slowly

I cannot distinguish my losses

from my gains

And my opportunities from challenges

My successes from failures

I am a shell of who I once was

Needing lists to remind me

Of my passions and motivations

Needing validation from others

Yet wanting isolation aplenty

I’ve become a hypocritical irony

All tangled up emotion

They divest me of my personality

And my spirit it flickers

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Let Yourself

Today I felt down

After another bout

Of insecurity and doubt

Of the future laying beyond me

And what I had now

So I let myself fall

All I needed was

To pull the covers over my head

And let the wave ride out

I let the sea of unknowing

Flow over me

Let myself be still

I wallowed yes but I was free

I knew that I needed that moment

That moment to let myself be

In a headspace

Then suddenly

As if it were only moments

I felt myself again

No pain harboring deep within

I had ridden the wave

Had let myself feel it’s entirety

Had accepted its somber quality

And now I was the same

As I was once before

Lighter

And knowing beyond a doubt

I had a plan

As short term as it may be

I had a small goal

There were things to do

To even meet that smallest point

So I must now follow that path

Even though it unwinds

Even though it scares me

With its vast unknown

I must venture forward regardless

To get a chance at a reward

So my dear friends

When it gets too much

Don’t be scared

Pull the covers out

Let yourself fall

Keeping it all bottled up inside

Can sometimes do too much harm

Scrolling

I did it again today

Doubted my abilities

Doubted my experience

I scrolled through layers

And layers of job postings

New degrees

What do I have to show for this lost time

Nothing but temporary insanity

I did it mindlessly

It was no comfort

It did not relieve any ache

Depression set in again

Telling me to quit while

I’m waiting patiently

From some sign of the universe

Or a higher being

Waiting for reprieve

Waiting for a chance to redeem myself

Am I prolonging

The inevitable?

Possibly

I have no other option now

Kind to Myself

I needed music today

To get rid of the doubts in my head

I don’t know any better

Either meditation

Or endless sounds

To get rid of the chaos

That still reigns

Today I turned to music

Endless melodies

Words in my head

Thinking of phrases

To say

That will match what I feel

In my heart

Deep down I’m suffering

I put myself

In the line of fire

Every time

Criticizing

Berating

And shattering

The happiness that I hold dear

Why must I destroy myself

Just to build a stronger me

Can I be kind

To myself

Just for a moment

Please?

How are you?

My friend writes these words

When I texted

It’s been a while

We used to know each other so well

What’s up with the small talk

Let’s not forget we have our hearts out

I wanna go back to the old days

When all we worried about

Was getting on the bus

Going to school

Each day mindlessly moving forward

How am I?

I am lost still

I’ve got degrees

They sit as my mouse pad

I’m in a period of transition

Doing nothing

But wanting everything

Did I deserve

To be lost in my own musings

When there’s work to be done

Cash to be made

Got to live my life someday

How am I?

I don’t know

My parents made decisions for me

All my life

By saying that things were better

Where the grass was greener

Never tried to stick around

And see what would happen

If I watered the soil I was on

I could be better

I should say to them

But nothings wrong

Just another broken record

In my head

Paying sounds on repeat

Questions Unanswered 

I’m hurting 

Was it worth it 

I’m hurting 

Was it worth it 

I can’t answer this question 

And it leaves a bittersweet taste 

In my mind 

I could try to explain it away 

But something about

Keeping it close 

And keeping it company 

Makes me feel good 

I feel like I have understood 

Boy Who Cried Wolf 

And I see myself in 

The boy who cried wolf 

As soon as I open my mouth 

Trying to explain the 

Madness of my thoughts 

People assume that I can’t be fixed 

People assume that it is just

My pessimism, my insecurity, my doubt 

Let me ask you then:

Where did those thoughts stem from? 

Where could I have fantasized 

Living in my own hell? 

I have problems.

We all do.

And then I’m ostracized by people 

They tell me:

The world does not revolve around you

Yes, I agree.

But can’t you see? 

The world doesn’t revolve around you 

Either.

I wish so hard to believe 

That my troubles could be cured 

By money and a shrink 

But if you can’t even let me admit 

Something is wrong 

Then how will I ever heal? 

You let me live in denial 

And suffocate in my emptiness 

Believing everything will be alright 

Like magic 

With faith and positivity 

Can’t you see? 

I’ve already lost myself

Trying to search for those concepts

Let me revel in my 

Woes 

And let me sink into 

The dark side of me 

I promise I’m not thinking like this 

To harm you

Instead I’m just trying to salvage 

Parts of me that feel enough pain 

For those are the parts that live 

Suffocating 

I can’t breathe 

I suffocate in my 

Own doubts 

I suffocate in my 

Negativity 

I let myself drown 

Instead of treading water 

Instead of a life raft 

I see arms 

Aching to pull me out 

Yet I feel nothing 

Emptiness greets me on the other side 

Not even the faces of my loved ones 

Can save me now 

I am lost 

Without hope 

For myself 

And for my future 

What is there to do 

But let the depths 

Comfort me 

As I sink deeper 

Stuck Right Now 

I don’t know what I’m doing with my life 

Don’t know where my passions are leading me 

I’m afraid I’ll fall flat on my face 

And live in dependency 

I just want to be independent 

Have a job that matters to me 

Maybe I could change the world 

Just a little bit 

that would make me happy 

And I want to help others 

Because that’s when I feel alive 

Sharing conversations and memories 

And not just living to survive 

And I want to get by with enough means to

Support my aging parents 

And my siblings who are working hard 

I’m afraid my numbers won’t get me very far 

And that’s a rough start 

Is there even a light? 

At the end of this tunnel?

Sometimes I wonder if I made 

The journey a lot longer 

And harder to get through 

Mental and academic disability 

As self sabotage 

I won’t move far at all 

Always feeling stuck 

Like I am Right Now 

Losses

In my own thoughts
And my own musings

That have no timing or grace

I could have better things

To worry about

And to think about

But my brain seems to latch

On to the most negative of things

Why must I sabotage myself

And ruin my own chances of happiness

I wish I could think of better

More happy moments

But I fear that once innocent mind

Is no where

To be found