Mentally Checked Out

I am neither here nor there 

No baggage left on the claim area 

I blink unseeing 

Nor thinking 

I am an empty vessel 

Occupying a region of space 

I am not human in this moment 

I can only think 

Of my basic function:

Breathing 

In. Out. In. Out.

Killing Monsters 

You’re a noise in my head

I can’t forget 

I toss and turn 

While I’m supposed to be asleep 

You create the monster 

That doesn’t know anything 

You create a mess

That leaves me depressed

Nothing can tie you down 

And I wish I could 

So I could rip you to pieces 

You’re the noise in my head 

Leaving me depressed 

Causing me to think twice 

You create the monster 

That makes the nightmares 

I wish I could hunt you down 

To see you get killed 

Panic Attack 

Sinking and swirling in my gut 

I lose sight of reality 

Slipping between my consciousness 

I breathe fast 

I blink and sway 

I fear an unnamed terror 

And it has lodged itself inside me 

I am frozen solid

Unable to move

Unable to think 

I can only wait as this 

Intensity passes 

My body shivers 

And my mind is afraid 

I feel death in my soul 

Because I cannot catch my breath 

Boy Who Cried Wolf 

And I see myself in 

The boy who cried wolf 

As soon as I open my mouth 

Trying to explain the 

Madness of my thoughts 

People assume that I can’t be fixed 

People assume that it is just

My pessimism, my insecurity, my doubt 

Let me ask you then:

Where did those thoughts stem from? 

Where could I have fantasized 

Living in my own hell? 

I have problems.

We all do.

And then I’m ostracized by people 

They tell me:

The world does not revolve around you

Yes, I agree.

But can’t you see? 

The world doesn’t revolve around you 

Either.

I wish so hard to believe 

That my troubles could be cured 

By money and a shrink 

But if you can’t even let me admit 

Something is wrong 

Then how will I ever heal? 

You let me live in denial 

And suffocate in my emptiness 

Believing everything will be alright 

Like magic 

With faith and positivity 

Can’t you see? 

I’ve already lost myself

Trying to search for those concepts

Let me revel in my 

Woes 

And let me sink into 

The dark side of me 

I promise I’m not thinking like this 

To harm you

Instead I’m just trying to salvage 

Parts of me that feel enough pain 

For those are the parts that live 

Suffocating 

I can’t breathe 

I suffocate in my 

Own doubts 

I suffocate in my 

Negativity 

I let myself drown 

Instead of treading water 

Instead of a life raft 

I see arms 

Aching to pull me out 

Yet I feel nothing 

Emptiness greets me on the other side 

Not even the faces of my loved ones 

Can save me now 

I am lost 

Without hope 

For myself 

And for my future 

What is there to do 

But let the depths 

Comfort me 

As I sink deeper 

Stuck Right Now 

I don’t know what I’m doing with my life 

Don’t know where my passions are leading me 

I’m afraid I’ll fall flat on my face 

And live in dependency 

I just want to be independent 

Have a job that matters to me 

Maybe I could change the world 

Just a little bit 

that would make me happy 

And I want to help others 

Because that’s when I feel alive 

Sharing conversations and memories 

And not just living to survive 

And I want to get by with enough means to

Support my aging parents 

And my siblings who are working hard 

I’m afraid my numbers won’t get me very far 

And that’s a rough start 

Is there even a light? 

At the end of this tunnel?

Sometimes I wonder if I made 

The journey a lot longer 

And harder to get through 

Mental and academic disability 

As self sabotage 

I won’t move far at all 

Always feeling stuck 

Like I am Right Now 

Late Night Self-Reflection 

My thoughts are at it again 

Like a broken record 

They remind me of encounters past 

I look at myself in a mirror 

Going through the motions

Of all the encounters 

The mistakes I made 

The regrets I had 

Won’t wash away so easily

They engrave into the back of my brain 

Coming to haunt me like ghosts 

in the dead of the night 

I feel like I have 

Too many sins to wash away 

But they aren’t even evil doings 

It’s just my mind 

Playing tricks on me 

Deceiving me 

Doubting my actions 

The words I spoke 

And the decisions I made 

Why can’t I let it all go? 

Why does my past still continue to consume me 

And confine me?

And why do I even bother

Looking back 

so deeply 

Into that cracked mirror 

And not see the person 

That stares back in the reflection? 

Depression

Heaviness sits deeply in my bones

every movement lethargic and slow

like I’m twice my age

tastes become bland

my appetite flys away

for more than a temporary leave

I stay awake in the dark

tears flowing due to frustration

eyes cracked open

bed sheets rumpled

beyond ruin

limbs splayed

as I try to find comfort

the past that I thought I left behind

Returns with thoughts

that race to the speed of light

a throbbing begins from my temple

And my body aches with tension

can I succumb soon?

just let go into the black night

just sink into rough waters

and let go of the chance of seeing sunlight?

Yet, There are too many reasons to stay

consequential choices

and I must survive another

harrowing hour

Just hoping

that this

Vicious cycle doesn’t begin

again

night after night

Can’t I succumb soon?